Fuck.

Goddamnit shit motherfucker. Is about all I can think to say, I have a lot of pent up rage about something, and I’ve been trying to work it out. Working it out, outside of the blog, I’ve been doing some real life stuff, and hilariously I have become addicted to a first person shooter. I was never any good at them, until I found this one. I kept at it a while back, and got a nice ranking then quit for something or other, and now I’m playing again. I ditched Cybersphere, obviously. I’m ignoring Iusko, even though I still want to play him. I just dunno, it’s the 71-80 grind that is getting me on him. My friend’s wife is spinning my head, she’s just so insecure when she doesn’t need to be it’s quite funny. It’s like me and another friend, terminally insecure. I do it a lot, hell if I wasn’t constantly reassuring her of how much I liked talking with her, I’d probably be trying to hear the same. lol The name Congetan follows me wherever I go, it’s a haunting reminder of something I can never be again. It’s scary really, how good I was with him, good at doing nothing, and making everything happen. Confidance, his word was reality. I just lost it one day. The whole character just died in me, and I haven’t been able to assimilate any of his qualities. I’m starving for the confidance, and that ability to say something and simply do it, no thought of consequence, except when any problems arise. I would confront them and overcome, two fisted action as a friend would call it. Yet, a lot of my projects have been circling the drain for other things. 

-Jericho.

The bullpen.

My friend came over today, we made it a day of sitting in the sun and plotting. Many many schemes have been hatched, and tossed aside all of them gems I say, soon I will unleash…. hahah I feel like I’m Doc Horrible, blathering away about my schemes and a crush I’ll never have, buwahahaha well there’s -that- I’d be interested to hear the Bad Horse’s death whinny. *coughs* Anyways, here’s the bullpen area.

I’ll try to get a good picture of my garden up soon, I was out tillin’ some soil earlier, it’s going to be tomatoes and grapes(Homemade wine?) possibly strawberries, I’m looking for things that grow in vines or underground. I’ll put up my graph along with a posting of what I want to plant. I’m also going to look into building a greenhouse. I’m really interested in the plants I can grow in the greenhouse from southern climates, peppers. A friend suggested adding a banana tree to the back yard, I need to do more research about it.  A pretty uneventful Tuesday! To be sure.

 

-Jericho

Holding pattern

Taking a day to myself, just to focus on work and ignore everything social for a little while. I need it occasionally, I get a lot more done, because it requires me to keep busy to keep my head from spinning instead of the usual just talking to people. Thirty million things up on my screen I’m writing this, cause I’d like to get back to my every day posting. I don’t know why writing things out makes me feel better, it is like spinning my head over and over about things, but it is also cathartic. I get a lot more out than if I just worry, I’m expressing myself wooohooo. Usually I just spin my head, write something then delete it. I haven’t been able to share much on here, or at least I haven’t felt like I was sharing. Saying a lot with little substance. Well I haven’t had much going on, same things day in and day out. Work on code, the blog, talk to friends, and if I’m really feeling up to it. Go out and mingle with the masses. That’s all I can think of right now, maybe I’ll add more later. 

 

 

-Jericho

Spinning my head.

I’m constantly doing it, spinning my head about one thing or another. I have been doing it about this blog lately. Does the lack of frequent posting mean I’ve given up? Probably not, I don’t feel like I’ve given up! I keep working, and trying to improve myself. Focusing on me. Running a cable to my computer was the best idea I ever had, though I -do- have a little project my friend sent me that I want to set up for people coming over. I’m really interested in the DD-WRT and the ability to adjust signal strength, and bandwidth allocation. It’s a level of control over my router I’ve been looking for, in my pricerange, free or as close to. 

 

-Jericho

Friday.

End of a pretty productive though silent week, I’m happy about it all, and I feel like I’ve grown a bit I have some goals for my physical health to look at. I need more sun, I live on the god damned west coast. Some other things, adding more rice and vegetables to my daily diet. Some liver powder along with work on a punching bag with a friend.  I have a set of old navy workout tapes my friend left here after moving out. That is a serious regimen, I’ve gone through it a few times and I’m pretty sure, a daily workout with those tapes is my goal. If I can get through that like nothing every day, I’ll be golden. 

 

Felt like throwing up some Depeche Mode, this song kinda fits my mood right now. 

 

 

-Jericho.

“Survivor.”

She’s a harsh mistress, some problems with my wireless popped up on monday, and I haven’t been able to post or really do anything. -.- Been reading a book my friend passed to me in the mean time, “Survivor”. I’m fairly certain I am going to add it to my favorite book collection.Chuck Palahniuk really writes in a style I can follow. I’m immersed in the book, and sometimes almost feel like I’m a nagging psychological disorder in the back of Tender’s brain, watching the events progress before me. 

Ugh, I want to hulk out and smash through this brick wall of writer’s block, I feel flat and emotionless, sometimes very alone and I know why. I’m pushing through my work, and my emotional crisis as best I can. Whining and being a wuss on this blog helps more than anyone else knows. I stay sane cause of it, and I spun my head endlessly when I was unable to do it. I have my first gaps in space on my calendar, and I’m going to leave them there. A reminder that I don’t need everything my way. Even though I do, and will get it damn you!

The name of the game is a slow moderately paced uphill climb,  Sisyphus rising. People are searching for Incendia, it’s weird. I don’t know who they are, probably friends, but I spin my head. WHO ARE YOU. Don’t stalk me, look away. Go that way, nothing to see here. Move along. Welcome, read, eat of my mind, drink of my imagination, and be merry. 

 

 

-Jericho

Resentment.

Out with a few friends we were talking resentment, and a few other things. Resentment stayed in my brain, the venomed thoughts we hold onto, just to sastify our rage. I have many, going back over my life I resent people, and institutions, what I’m more focused on is the people. Releasing those feelings is important, at least I’m told. The way I’ve been feeling the past week, I’m almost willing to try anything to feel better. I just want to enjoy things, and be an emotionally functional human being. Sometimes it feels like that is too much to ask. My progress in everything I do though is slow and almost static, that is my discouragement. I expected leaps and bounds. Two months later I feel depressed and alone, yet still working through those feelings instead of just throwing up my hands, so I suppose there is some improvement. I have to think on this more later. 

 

 

-Jericho

Day off.

Taking a day of introspection and head spinney ness. Hitting the books hard going to get like a billion times more work done. ^__^

Feeling like a Hermit.

 

-Jericho

Thoughtless Thursday.

Been thinking about having a break in the middle of the week, maybe friday, just a day I don’t do anything like sunday. Though the break in blog posts will annoy and confuse me. I’ll love it, logging on and seeing that new break and the twitch’ll start. I’ll probably fill the gaps with puppies or something I don’t know yet, there haven’t been any gaps. I’m spinning my head today, and I think I need rest, relaxation and a good amount of those things on a day that starts with fri. 

 

 

-Jericho

Procrasterbation.

I’ve been procrastinating on a lot of things, it always seems as though I do not have enough hours in the day to do everything I want, to suffer everything I want, to enjoy everything I want. To know the heights of my day, and dissect that data. Really it is all mental road blocks, throwing up one after the other, one reason or another why I must do this, or can’t do that. My life can seem to fly by at one time and slow to a crawl the next. Right now I feel as though I am experiencing every second twice as long. Dj Fei Fei’s most recent mix on my headphones, I’m toiling at java just trying to learn it, while also spinning my head on my own life. I waste more time than I work, every day I find more things to distract me. I can’t let it continue, and yet it will. I have to balance it, or so says the friends. Social retardation aside I just… want to be whole, so I work and toil away at what I want. What I decided to do, and it is fun. I hate to be wrong, I run from being wrong. I think that is why I ran from life, all these fears piling up, with that low simmering depression. It destroyed me, yet I look back at all this and say EXCUSES! Why? Why am I the only person in my life I can’t forgive about anything. A whiny bitch I say, yet this is my space to vent, be damned with my -own- thoughts. Craziness? Yes, I’m certain. Yet only at times, that crazy that is self expression. That only we and our closest friends understand, that crazy that we try to share and sometimes… it blows up in our face, was it wrong to share it? No I can’t think that. I really do believe in the full range of human emotion and its necessity to human growth. Where do I go from here? Do I continue butting my head against failure as a masochistic art; or do I run away, and give up, my ending to suffer a life of mediocrity?  It is up to me not to, to muster every ounce of will into that endeavor.

I falter, I fail, I press reset, I will not be stopped. 

 

 

 

-Jericho

(Where’s the reset button on life?)